The Identity of Itachi
by tiggery bear
Summary: If you like Itachi, dont read this. If you dont like stupid stories, dont read this. Nothing lefta say dudes.


**Author Note: Pure. Random. Shit.**

**If you enjoy sick, retarded humor, then please continue. If you don't and will still read this, then its ur own damn fault. For those impolite, derivative, lackluster imbeciles out there who STILL COMMENT EVEN THOUGH YOU HATE IT, THEN YOU ARE JUST PLAIN STUPID OKAY? If you don't appreciate it, don't complain, not everyone is blessed with brilliant writing skills or your idiocy.**

**Now that I was so hostile and austere in the first paragraph, people who don't comment, don't say anything and enjoy this for what it is, COOOKIESS!!!!**

* * *

"Er…so…Itachi…san…erm…how is your day?" said Sakura in a nervous attempt to engage the stoic Itachi in conversation. It wasn't working.

They had been on air for 10 minutes already and topics were running out fast. The fangirls in the audience were unsettled and booing in distaste.

It started out something like this… 

The audience was giggly and fretful and the room was filled with chaotic energy.

"ITACHI!!!!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!!!"

"I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABIESSS!!!!"

The girl who exposed her desire to continue the Uchiha line was brutally beaten up by other girls.

Suddenly, the lights flashed off, resulting in several screams and cleaning ladies pushed down flights of stairs.

Well…it started out like the usual, Naruto being beaten up by Sakura, Lee chasing Sakura, Sakura chasing poor Sasuke who was still scratching Lee who was half tied up…

Whatever.

The ecstatic fangirls all jumped up and down screaming every time Itachi's name was mentioned and they nearly ripped their shirts when he came onto the scene.

You ever have a time where everyone is happy at a barbeque, all giggly and gossip-ish? But there is always this whiney little lactose-intolerant gothic jerk that ruins the mood.

Not saying Itachi is lactose intolerant…but it's an inevitable fact that he is very gothic…

"So Itachi, why don't you tell us about you? I'm sure all these beautiful ladies in the audience would love to know more about your personal life…how about…er…your…hobbies? Yeah, tell us about what you like to do when you're free." asked the usual energetic Naruto.

Itachi took off his straw hat and flashed his eyelashes.

"I live to torture my brother."

Naruto laughed nervously along with the audience while eying the seething Sasuke, held down by Lee who was sitting on his knee, being scratched.

"Uh…that is quite a nice hobby of yours! Heh…heh…UMM…why don't we go for a commercial break now!!??!?!" Sakura said with sweat trickling down her back.

It wasn't going to be pretty… Sasuke was later shipped to the hospital because Lee sitting on his lap had cut of his circulation. He later blew a fuse, unable to return to the show. 

"Let's read some mail then, sent in by your dedicated fans!" said Sakura in a false, cheery voice.

Itachi remained motionless.

"Okay, let's start with this pink one with hearts!" said Sakura. "Dear Uchiha Itachi. I love the colour of your nails, please tell me where you buy that lovely shade. Yours truly, EDANUST."

"I don't paint my nails."

Sakura coughed nervously. "Um…sorry Edanust…nice name…but Itachi-san doesn't pain his nails! HAH…ha.."

"My nails are this colour because Kisame is the one who cooks."

A murmur coursed through the crowd.

"How about you now, Naruto! Your turn to read! Hah ha…"

Naruto looked nervously around for a plain looking letter.

"Ah…this one looks good. Dear Ita-kun, I am a 46 year old female who is in need of a date! I am free anytime! I am a 36,40,50!! Come by 31 Cr-"

Naruto was interrupted by Sakura.

"Ahh…we don't need know so much about your chasing fans…hah…ha!!"

Sakura dug in the pile of mail and fished out a blue envelope.

"Dear Itachi, I was walking through the mall and I saw your face on the 14 inch screen of the COCO's ANIME store and I fell in love- with your eyelashes that is. HOW DO YOU GET THEM SO LONG AND PRETTY?? WHAT EYELINER IS IT???? I'M DYING TO FIND OUT!!!"

"Maybeline. Jet Black. Waterproof #3956."

Everyone gasped.

"Itachi…you…put on mascara?" gurgled Sakura.

Itachi bowed down his head.

"The truth is…I'm not Itachi."

The audience looked scandalized.

"I'm actually…SAILOR MOON!" Itachi shouted…er…he/she shouted… as he whipped off his cloak to reveal a stupid looking schoolgirl top and a miniskirt fit for 5 year olds.

Not to mention unshaved legs.

Itachi began singing the theme song while waving a plastic wand around. Sakura was huddled in a corner rocking back and forth mumbling something indistinct while Naruto was attempting to calm the audience.

The showroom was chaos. I escaped fast enough before had to see Kisame in a tux throwing flowers at Itachi.

* * *

_Sorry I'm being a bitch, but my marks have gone down and someone who was never there for me came made a goddamn stupid reappearance after 15 fucking years in hope to satiate the anger I still have with a mere $300 bucks? I don't think so. Now I'm just being emo so, yeah, my fans/flamers/rivals/haters/whatever you are out there, I wouldn't wish this mess on you cuz no matter how bad of a writer you think I am, I still luff you all._

_Im gonna stop rambling now cuz im just taking up space but my final message is…_

_GACKT IS FUCKING HOTTTTTTTTTTTTT!! SOMEONE FIND ME WHERE I CAN DOWNLOAD MOONCHILD AND I'LL KISS YOU!!!_


End file.
